It’s been a couple of days since the last log. I got a bit distracted, and mentally, I feel like I’ve slipped back into the mood I was in when I first started this series. Life has been making me think a lot about Simon Peter again—specifically his restoration. Even when we fail or reject what we know is true, Jesus returns to ask, “Do you love me?” My struggle lately isn’t about whether I believe in God; I know He exists, and I know Yahweh walked this earth. My struggle is the refining fire of God and how uncomfortable it feels to stay in it.
I’ve realized that I am the source of my own problems. It’s my perception of reality, rather than the reality itself, that causes me to spiral. The things I need to do are often super simple, yet they feel like the hardest things in the world. I have this vision in my head of the man I am supposed to become, but my natural instinct is to think I have to “work” for it. In reality, I’m learning that becoming that man is less about my effort and more about my surrender to the process.
Avoiding the Truth to Stay Comfortable
One area where I’m clearly lacking is reading the Bible. I’ve opened it more since starting these vlogs, but it’s still a battle. It’s hard to go from nightly reading to holding a grudge against God and avoiding His Word for weeks. The truth is, I haven’t wanted to hear what He has to say because it’s so real and so true. I want to want to be sorry for my behavior, but part of me feels like I have to be in this uncomfortable place to actually learn the lesson.
Even in this resistance, I’ve kept my eyes on Him. Even when my belief feels shaky, I still call out for Him. The way He’s been working in my life lately makes me want to hang on, but it also makes me want to scream and fight. I’m starting to see how much of my past faith was just performance and how that performative nature has affected my genuine relationship with the Creator.
Relieving the Impurities in the Fire
I’m really starting to relate to Malachi 3. There’s a verse that talks about God being like a refiner’s fire, purifying His people like gold and silver. That’s exactly what I’ve been feeling lately: I’m not moving, I’m not spinning—I’m just slow-roasting in the refining fire of God. It’s a slow process where the impurities are burning away, one by one.
I’m still working on letting go of certain sins, but I can feel the “want to want to stop” growing stronger. The fire is doing its work, even when I’m being an ass about it. I need to stop fighting the heat and start trusting the Refiner. If you’re feeling the heat in your own life, remember that the purpose of the fire isn’t to consume you, but to clean you.
Trusting the Refiner’s Hand
I’m tired and probably dehydrated, but I can see the changes and improvements coming in myself and the people around me. I just need to keep going and stop running from the Word. As it says in Malachi 3:3, “He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver.”
He’s sitting there, watching the fire, waiting until He can see His reflection in me. I just have to stay in the fire until the job is done.