I’ve been thinking about why Jesus used such intense language when He said to cut off your hand or gouge out your eye if it causes you to sin. I’m starting to understand it now. I’ve realized that I am the problem in most of my situations. When there isn’t a problem, I typically find a way to create one through the way I think, the way I feel, and my refusal to give it all to God.
My biggest fear lately is falling into a performative faith. I catch myself trying to “perform” for God—trying to be a loyal subject who earns his way into favor. But when I actually listen, He tells me to just “chill.” He reminds me that faith is deeper and more beautiful than a performance. It’s about being allowed to mess up and bring those experiences back to Him. He is the best Father, yet I often act like a horrible son by hiding my guilt, shame, anger, and disappointment.
The Struggle to Receive a Father’s Love
It’s mesmerizing to see God’s hand in my life, yet I still find it hard to believe. I find myself questioning the reality of His work, which only highlights how weak I truly am and how much I need a Savior. I’m so afraid of being a hypocrite that I sometimes turn into one just by trying to prove to myself—or others—that I have it all together.
I say I want the Father’s love, but I often refuse to let myself receive it. I’m the source of my own overwhelm because I’m so bad at casting my burdens at His feet. I’ve wanted to give up every single day for the last few weeks, but something in me keeps getting me up. It keeps putting me around the people I need to hear from—people who tell me the words I need to hear, not necessarily the ones I want to hear.
Finding Clarity in the Fire
I’ve realized that I can’t quit now because I’m currently in the fire. The goal isn’t just to get through it, but to come out looking more like Him. My anger from recent events is slowly turning into sadness, but it’s a different kind of sadness—it isn’t consuming me. I’ve finally slowed down enough to understand my own emotions, dreams, and wishes.
It’s crazy to think that less than a year ago, I didn’t think or feel this way at all. I feel like a young child being taught by his father for the very first time. Performative faith offers no comfort in these moments; only radical honesty does. I want to scream and fight and ask “why this way?” but I know that leads nowhere.
Holding on to Faith When it’s Hard
I’m trying to hold on to my faith because I know that’s all I can do. It is hard. I have to keep my head down and keep running through these problems with my face in the Word. Even if I’m not doing it “as well” as I used to, I know that just showing up matters. I’m overwhelmed, and I’m starting to realize that I have to actually feel these emotions instead of performing a version of myself that is “fine.”
We have God in our court, and that has to be enough. I’m done trying to earn a seat at the table that was already prepared for me. As it says in Matthew 11:28, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” No performance required.