It’s been a few days since my last log. I’ve been stuck in my own head, and a lot has changed in my perspective recently. I have to stop these videos by saying “I’ve been thinking a lot,” because that’s the whole point of this mental dump log. Over the last month, I’ve been wrestling with my faith and my value in the presence of God. I’ve realized that I’ve often been the source of my own problems, but it is incredible how God takes even our messes and turns them into something that glorifies Him.
Understanding the “Pharisee” Mindset
Lately, I’ve felt God in my chest telling me, “This is it. This is the time. Get it. I’m right here with you.” But even with that pull, I’ve realized how much I’ve been stuck in a performative faith. I finally understand why the Pharisees were the way they were. It’s that urge to say, “Look at me. Look at what I know about the Bible. Look at me fasting.”
I’ve had a bad habit of trying to inspire people through entertainment rather than truth. I’ll quote a Bible verse just to look like the “Jesus friend” or the “Bible thumper” that people expect me to be. I’ve realized that this isn’t sustainable. It’s not even really me—or at least, the way I’ve been doing it isn’t me. I’m not the guy who needs to broadcast his fasts; I’m just the guy who isn’t eating today because I’ve got things to do and a God to seek.
Stop Beating the Water: A Lesson in Witnessing
I heard a quote from a pastor once that perfectly describes performative faith. He said when you go fishing, you cast your bait; you don’t beat the water with your pole and expect the fish to come. Jesus called us to be fishers of men, yet here I am, beating the water with my performance, trying to be the guy I think people want me to be.
Instead of pointing people toward the God who taught me everything, I’ve been pointing them toward myself. I’ve had it all wrong and didn’t even realize it. I’ve been giving up my “place in heaven”—at least in my mind—just to feel better or look cooler in the moment. I’ve even caught myself caring more about other people’s salvation than my own, as if I could give up my spot for them, forgetting how endless the love of Jesus really is.
Choosing Real Connection Over Showmanship
These videos are proof that I’m still learning. I’m trying to be more conscious and aware of these performative tendencies because they don’t actually help me—or anyone else. When I find that little bit of “umph” in my chest to just be honest, the whole day changes. The weekend changes. The next four days change. One honest moment leads to another.
I’m done with the show. I’m done with the “look at me” version of Christianity. I just want to sit here, chat with you, and get the truth out. It’s helpful when I don’t even see myself on the camera; I just talk, and it finally starts to make sense. I’m proud of the progress, and I’m thankful you’re here to witness the rebuild.
As it says in Matthew 6:1, “Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.”
(Internal Link Placeholder: Read Log #12: Exhausted, but the burnout is fading)