Yesterday was the first time in weeks I even looked at scripture. That’s not normal for me, but it’s the reality of where I’ve been. In this journey of spiritual burnout recovery, I’ve realized that my biggest hurdle isn’t just lack of motivation—it’s 110% genuine fear.
There’s a specific kind of fear that comes with God’s promises. They are so good that they feel impossible. I’ve had that old whisper in my ear, the same one Eve heard: “Did God really say that?” Over the last six or seven months, I’ve seen how I slowly conformed to the world. I used to think conforming meant the “big” sins—partying, drugs, rock and roll. But I’ve learned it’s way deeper than that. It’s a heart posture. When your heart is tired, it becomes deceitful, and you start searching for joy in a miserable world instead of the only source that actually sustains you.
The Exhaustion of Trying to Be “Good”
I don’t want to be a hypocrite, a false teacher, or a wolf in sheep’s clothing. But when I broke down my actions, I had to ask: where are these stemming from? They stem from my feelings and my heart. To change the fruit, I have to change the seed. For a long time, I wasn’t avoiding God out of spite or hatred; I was avoiding Him out of sheer exhaustion.
I was burnt out spiritually, mentally, physically, and financially. I spent so much energy trying to be a “good person” by moral standards that I effectively burned my wick at both ends. In the process of spiritual burnout recovery, you realize that you can’t “moral” your way out of a dead spirit. You have to be honest in ways you’ve never been honest and ask for help without the weight of shame or guilt.
Moving from Worldly Conformity to Heart Transformation
The world is a miserable place when you’re disconnected from the Vine. I’ve been holding onto the promise that God can turn everything bad into something that glorifies Him. I’m currently in that “waiting room” phase—the bad stuff has happened, more is happening, and I’m asking, “Lord, when does the good come?”
But looking back, I realize I’ve already had the strength to make it through each day. That strength is the first sign of recovery. I’m finally at a point where I don’t just “have” to hear from God, but I actually want to. I’ve been avoiding Him out of a mix of exhaustion and sadness, but today the desire to hear His voice has finally outweighed the desire to hide.
Building a System for Daily Gratitude
These vlogs have become more than just a video project; they are my system for spiritual burnout recovery. They give me a starting point and a way to reflect on yesterday. My brain is wired to move so quickly into the new day that I often forget the bad things—but I also forget the good things. This log is my way of forcing myself to see the grace I would otherwise overlook.
I’m planting new seeds in my heart today. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being present. I’m proud of the progress, and for the first time in a long time, I can say I’m proud of myself. If you’re sticking around for these, thank you. They aren’t the most “entertaining” videos, but they are the most honest.
If you’re struggling with your own heart posture, remember Romans 12:2: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”
Read Log #2: The Fear of Success and the Weight of Stillness