I’m already starting to see a benefit from these videos. It’s strange, but being forced to speak my internal state out loud has made me very aware that most of my issues stem from within—how I perceive my circumstances and how far I’m willing to go to fix them. I’ve narrowed it down to a core desire: the need to feel heard. Whether in prayer or in relationships, when there’s no “big boom” or immediate miracle, I tend to get selfish and impatient. I start to believe God isn’t listening, only to realize later that I was just failing to practice the patience described in Galatians 5:22.
I’ve spent the last few days asking myself why I feel so low. It’s not just past events; it’s my reaction to them. For about two months, I was sharp-minded, sober, and active. Relationships were healing, and I was actually enjoying my emotions—even the difficult ones. Then, in less than 24 hours, I spiraled back into old habits: 14 hours of gaming, ordering Uber consistently, and letting my finances tank. I realized that “giving up” had become my default setting, and it was time for reclaiming spiritual strength.
Finding Purpose in the Voice of a Child
The turning point this weekend came from a very simple moment. I was sitting in my living room, and I heard my son singing in the other room. It hit me like a ton of bricks: if I love this kid this much, how much more does God love me? I’ve spent so much time looking for a “purpose” as if it were a hidden treasure, when my purpose is actually quite simple: to glorify God and allow myself to be fathered by Him.
I have an amazing Father in Heaven who wants me to walk in obedience, yet I act like a rebellious child. Why is it that the “easy” tasks—sobriety, celibacy, not gossiping—feel so impossible the moment the initial motivation fades? I’ve realized that I don’t have the strength to do these things on my own. Whether it’s vaping, weed, or even just compulsive Uber Eats orders, I’ve been trying to white-knuckle my way through life instead of leaning on the only source of true power.
The Struggle of Walking in Obedience
When I started these vlogs, it was because I felt God telling me to get uncomfortable. He told me to get in front of a camera and speak. There was no confusion; it was a clear order to step out of my shell. But reclaiming spiritual strength means more than just talking; it means walking in obedience even when I’m angry. I’ll be honest: I’ve been an asshole lately for no reason. I’ve let anger distance me from the very peace I crave.
I want to be that “Jesus freak” again. I want the level of peace that satisfies the cravings that no substance or distraction can touch. I’ve been fascinated by the story of the Prodigal Son because I feel like I’ve been living it—running away, wasting resources, and eventually realizing that everything I want is back at the Father’s house. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is admit that I am weak and that I need His grace to even function.
Moving from Self-Awareness to Grace
Sometimes I’m too self-aware for my own good, and other times I’m not aware enough. These videos are helping me bridge that gap. Spending time with my son reminded me that I am loved, regardless of my performance. I’m moving into this next week with a new focus: I’m not “working on myself” so much as I am allowing myself to receive the mercies of God.
I have big things “scheming” in my head for the future—good things, creative things—but none of them will happen if I don’t stay grounded in this rebuild. I’m excited to see where I’ll be a year from now, but for today, I’m just focused on staying sober, staying present, and staying obedient.
If you’re feeling like giving up, stop and listen. You might not hear a child singing, but you can hear the Father calling you back. Reclaiming spiritual strength starts the moment you stop trying to be strong on your own.
Log #5: Living with Purpose While Facing the Fear of Feeling