Today’s log is a little different. My camera is dead, and I have my son with me, so I’m recording this on my phone in the bathroom. It’s raw, it’s real, and it’s exactly where I am. These logs have been helping me because, honestly, I feel insane sometimes—like there’s something fundamentally different or “wrong” with me that hasn’t been discovered yet. But through this process, I’m realizing that much of this friction comes from a struggle with living with purpose.
For a long time, I had identity issues. I knew who I was, but I didn’t know why I was here. When I came to Christ, a purpose started to emerge, but I’ll be honest: I tried to deny it. I rejected it because it wasn’t what I wanted. I thought purpose was something that got printed out on a receipt and handed to you, but it’s not. It’s an evolving, daily direction of the heart.
The Heart of a Father and the Love of God
A huge part of living with purpose for me is being a father. I work my ass off for my sons. When I look into my son’s eyes, I see the same innocence I had as a little boy before the world got heavy. I went through a lot as a kid, but I don’t blame anyone for that; it was just the opportunity I needed to become the man I am today.
When I look at him and feel that overwhelming urge to give him the world, it hits me: God loves me—and you—infinitely more than I could ever love my son. That realization brings everything full circle. Purpose isn’t just about what you do; it’s about whose you are. It’s been filling my head lately, pushing me to stop running from the man I’m called to be.
Facing the Pain of a “Biblical Breakup”
Lately, I’ve been avoiding my emotions. I recently went through a breakup with someone I truly loved and thought I would marry. It wasn’t a “bad” breakup in the worldly sense; in fact, it was probably the most graceful, grown-up, and biblical breakup I’ve ever experienced. Even though Satan wants to get in my head and twist the narrative, every time I evaluate it, I see that God was fully in it.
The pain is real, though. Before the breakup, I had finally achieved something I’d struggled with for years: I was 100% sober. No alcohol, no weed, nothing. I had made it about two months, and I was finally starting to feel again. But as soon as the relationship ended, I got scared. I didn’t want to feel that specific kind of sadness, so I went right back to my crutch.
Choosing Sobriety and Radical Honesty
I have to be honest about my slip-up because I don’t want it to take over my life again. I liked being sober. I liked the clarity, even if it meant feeling the sting of loss. In a weird way, I’m terrified to feel what I’m currently pushing off, but I know that living with purpose requires radical honesty. You can’t build a life on a foundation of numbing agents.
I need to feel this sadness to move through it. God doesn’t just want a heart of stone that can withstand the hits; He wants to give us a heart of flesh—one that feels, breaks, and heals. I’m done rejecting the purpose He’s placed on my life just because the path to it is painful.
If you’re going through a season where you’re scared to feel, remember Ezekiel 36:26: “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”