Today, I am feeling incredibly self-conscious. This is actually the fifth time I’ve tried to record this video. I keep tripping over my words and going off on tangents, and it’s made me question who I’m really making these logs for. But I have a feeling wash over me—a reminder that I’m doing this because God is calling me to become the man He designed me to be. To do that, I have to stop getting distracted and keep my focus on Jesus.
Lately, the story of Simon Peter has been playing on repeat in my life. I relate to him more than almost any other figure in history. Peter was so human, so “10 toes down,” yet so prone to taking his eyes off the Master. He walked on water as long as he looked at Christ, but the second he looked at the waves, he sank. I’ve realized that my own “sinking” moments always happen when I back up and look away from the Father.
Learning from the Restoration of Peter
For a long time, I only focused on the part of the story where Peter denies Jesus three times. It wasn’t until recently that I really sat with the part where Jesus comes back and asks him, “Do you love me?” three times. That level of love and restoration washed over me because I’ve had those moments where I thought I was walking in obedience, only for conviction to hit.
In the past, I would ignore that conviction. I didn’t want what I was being told to be true. I’ve had seasons where I was face-to-face with Jesus—reading my Bible every day, watching sermons, and constantly in prayer. But when the “giant wave” finally crashed, I didn’t stay still. I took my eyes off Him, and I started sinking into the old versions of myself: the manipulative liar, the judgmental gossip, and the person who hides from the world.
The Danger of Running from the Father
I keep asking myself why I take my eyes off Him. My life never works out better when I’m in charge. In fact, it only takes a few weeks of avoiding God to turn back into a version of myself I don’t recognize. I’ve gone through events that could only be explained by the hand of God—powerful, terrifying, and beautiful moments—and yet, all it took was one hard conversation to make me put my Bible down for three weeks.
I spent time bad-mouthing the path I was on, talking about how I didn’t even know if I wanted to do this anymore. The sadness I felt when I heard those words come out of my own mouth was overwhelming. Only a few years ago, I would have told you I was an atheist, so to be in this position now feels divine, holy, and right. I have to stop being a “nitwit” and stop jumping away from Him every time things don’t go my way.
Wanting to Be a Good Son
I don’t need to be perfect; Jesus already did that for me. I just want to be a good son. I want to walk in obedience, even though the simplest things often feel like the hardest tasks in the world. Focus on Jesus is the only way to stay above the water. I’ve spent 11 minutes rambling today because I needed to get this out—to admit that I haven’t wanted to talk to Him or listen to Him, but I know He loves me.
If you find yourself sinking today, check your gaze. Are you looking at the storm, or are you looking at the one who can calm it? As it says in Matthew 14:30-31, “But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.”