I’m actually terrified of who I’m going to become at the end of it all. It’s a strange realization to hit: that the fear of success can be just as paralyzing as the fear of failure. When you’ve lived in survival mode for so long—taking risks just to get by—the idea of actually winning feels like foreign territory.
I find myself questioning everything. I hear those whispers in my ear telling me I’m not good enough, or predicting exactly how things will fall apart. Sometimes, the most overwhelming part of a spiritual rebuild isn’t the work itself, but the confusion of not knowing what is truly good for you versus what is just familiar.
Breaking the Cycle of Burnout with Tiny Wins
I think one of my biggest issues right now is that I’m just bored. But it’s a dangerous kind of boredom born out of being spiritually, physically, and emotionally burnt out. I’ve spent so much time giving my all to other people that I’ve ended up in a state of shell shock. I’ve always had to be strong—whether it was defending myself as the “little guy” in the room or withstanding the physical standard of moving bales of hay—but that external strength often masks an internal exhaustion.
To combat this, I’m taking a page out of James Clear’s Atomic Habits. I have to stop trying to leap to the finish line and start focusing on those 1% goals. When you are emotionally detached and starting to feel again for the first time in a long time, you can’t handle the whole world at once. You have to stack the wins slowly, or you’ll end up numbing the progress with food, sleep, or whatever crutch is nearby.
When God Says to Sit Still
Typically, I’m the first person to jump on the “change train.” I want to move, I want to fix, and I want to do. But lately, I feel like God has been telling me to just sit still. It’s an uncomfortable command for someone who is used to constant movement and internal dialogue. For the first time in weeks, I felt His presence yesterday, and the message was clear: stay put.
The fear of success often stems from our need to control the outcome. We think that if we aren’t moving, we aren’t progressing. But I’m learning that things I thought would never make sense are finally starting to click, while the things I thought were simple are still far out of reach. Being okay with not understanding is perhaps the biggest hurdle I face right now.
Documenting the “Something Big” on the Horizon
I can feel that something big is coming. It’s a different kind of energy—a pull toward a life that is radically different from the one I’ve been living. I want to do better, but I have to be okay with the process of getting there, even when that process feels poetic, confusing, or downright depressing.
This is why I’m documenting this. I need to see the data of these “still” moments so I don’t forget them when the movement starts again. Whether these thoughts are profound or just “something completely stupid,” they are the markers of my progress. We hit two days in a row of logging, and that 1% shift is exactly what I need to keep the fear of success from winning.
If you’re watching this or reading this, just know you’re loved. I might not know you, but I’m proud of you for being in the arena.