Lately, two things have been rolling around in my head since the moment I woke up. The first is a blunt realization that has brought me an odd amount of comfort: “Don’t worry, God knows you’re stupid.” Obviously, that’s a paraphrase, but it’s how it’s been echoing in my mind. It’s not an excuse to be disobedient, but it’s a reminder that He’s already accounted for my mistakes.
I haven’t fully jumped back into my scripture study yet, but I’ve started watching sermons again—something I used to do religiously until life got busy and I let my faith slip. Yesterday, I watched a message that posed a life-altering question: Are you a bondservant or a son? I’ll be honest; I answered the question wrong at first. I realized that for the last few months, I’ve been living like someone who is just trying to follow rules or dress to impress God, rather than living like a child who is already loved.
Moving Beyond “Miracle Chasing” to Intimacy
For a long time, I realized I had become one of those people who follow Jesus just for the miracles. I’ve experienced the power of God in ways I never have before, but once I saw that power, I started chasing the “high” of the miracle rather than the Person behind it. When I heard that question—bondservant or son—it finally clicked. I could feel Him in the room, telling me, “See what you’ve been missing.”
I’ve been so hard on myself, often harder than God ever is. I look at my life—my gaming PC, my guitars—and I feel like I don’t deserve them. I didn’t have the best upbringing, and I often feel like someone else could use these tools better to glorify Him. But as a son, I’m learning that it’s not about what I deserve; it’s about what He has chosen to give. Understanding the difference between a bondservant or son is the only way to find rest. Last night was the first night in a long time that I actually slept and woke up feeling refreshed.
Tracking the Mood: From Sadness to Creative Purpose
Part of my rebuild has involved getting my website, brendonbaugh.com, back in order. I even created a little mood tracker to help me see the data of my recovery. Looking at the tracker, I can see that while I’ve been sad, I’ve still been accomplishing things. God has me in a season of intense creativity, showing me how to use the skills I’ve honed over the years—not just to build other people’s dreams, but to finally carve out my own path.
I’m moving away from the “word vomit” of the first few logs and into a place of making connections. I’m finally ready to receive Him again. It sounds shitty to admit, but I’ve spent the last few weeks avoiding and even rejecting Him. I was angry, I was bitching, and I was being an absolute asshole in my prayers. But He still showed up. Even when I wanted things to go wrong, He didn’t let them. He’s been active in my life in a way I can finally see clearly.
Taking Thoughts Captive in the Daily Grind
The goal now is to figure out how to take my thoughts captive and stop being my own worst critic. The realization that He is my Father and I am His son changes the entire dynamic of my spiritual rebuild. I don’t have to be perfect to be present. I don’t have to be a bondservant earning my keep; I just have to be a son who is willing to come home, even when I’m “dirty and out of touch.”
If you’re struggling to figure out your own identity, stop and ask yourself: Are you a bondservant or a son? The answer changes how you wake up in the morning. As it says in Galatians 4:7, “So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.”