It’s weird the way life goes. I woke up today and realized my internal “light” has finally changed. I’m only seven logs in, but I’m already incredibly grateful for these reference points. Six days ago, I was in a completely different headspace, but today I feel significantly better. To be honest, there is no other explanation for it: it’s genuinely because of Jesus.
For a long time, I struggled with feeling like a hypocrite or feeling unworthy—things I think most people battle, along with the standard anxiety of life. I realized I was fearing God in the wrong way. I would tell others that Jesus doesn’t expect perfection, only your heart and your obedience, but I wasn’t living that out. I was being “religious” without being a good Christ-follower. I was trapped in a mindset where the law felt like a dictatorship, and that’s a major reason why I struggled with breaking negative cycles.
The Connection Between Forgiveness and Freedom
One of the first steps in breaking negative cycles for me was addressing the bitterness I was holding onto. Right after the first video, I realized I had to go and forgive someone—not for their sake, but for mine. I couldn’t hold that weight anymore. Forgiveness is often the key that unlocks the door to a new season.
I’ve recently started reading the book of Ecclesiastes. I’m trying to take it slow—reading just one chapter at a time—because I have a habit of going from zero to 100 and burning myself out. I don’t want to force my relationship with God; I want it to be authentic. In just the first chapter, the author captures everything I’ve been trying to figure out in these logs. It addresses the vanity of human effort and the repetitive nature of life, which perfectly mirrors the cycles I’ve been desperate to escape.
Moving from the Valley to a Permanent Shift
I’m used to a specific pattern: good things happen, I reach a peak, and then something bad flips the switch, sending me back down into the valley. In the past, that downward motion would lead to a spiral of despair, even to the point where I didn’t think I should be living anymore. This time, though, it felt different. I was calling friends, admitting I didn’t know what to do with these new, healthier reactions.
Even when I didn’t fully “believe” in my own strength, I believed in His. He brought me to today, and I’ve made a definitive decision. With His grace, I am committing to being 100% sober, celibate, and focused. I know I won’t be perfect, and I know there might be slip-ups along the way, but the difference is that I’m done trying to be perfect on my own terms.
Day One of a Permanent Change
Today marks “Day One” of something I’ve attempted a thousand times before. However, for the first time in my life, this shift feels legitimate and permanent. There’s a level of peace with this decision that I’ve never experienced during previous “restarts.” I’m okay with the discomfort because I know the old cycles are finally behind me.
Breaking negative cycles isn’t about a sudden burst of willpower; it’s about a consistent surrender to a higher power. I’m heading into work late, but I’m heading there with a clearer mind than I’ve had in years. If you’re stuck in your own loop, maybe it’s time to stop being “religious” and start being honest with the Father.
As it says in Ecclesiastes 1:9, “What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.” The only thing that can break that cycle is the one who stands outside of time.
Log #6: I Almost Gave Up, Then I Reclaimed Spiritual Strength