Things are getting better, but they are also getting uncomfortable. My involvement with different groups, communities, and even friendships has felt different lately. For the first time, I feel like I truly understand what “right” is, yet I still find myself not choosing it. I’m not talking about anything extreme; it’s the small things, like my struggle with gossip. I hate it when people talk about me, so why do I do it to others? It’s part of a repetitive cycle that I am desperate to break before I wake up at 40 and realize I wasted every chance I had.
I’ve been on this healing journey for about two years now. If I had recorded a video every day for the last two years, I’d probably look like a “crybaby” in most of them, but I’ve learned an extreme amount. The biggest lesson lately is that I’ve been suffering from spiritual burnout. I wouldn’t even call myself a lukewarm Christian right now; I’m just exhausted. I love God, but I am tired, and it pains me to see others hiding behind labels and anger when God is right there, ready to set them free.
The Weakness of the Infancy Stage
Even with the wisdom and knowledge I’ve gained over the last couple of years, I still feel like I’m in the infancy stage of my faith. I feel like I should be stronger by now, but the events of the last few weeks have shown me exactly how weak I really are. I have this image in my head of who I’m supposed to become, and while some of it lines up with God’s plan, I’m still trying to drag my “shitty qualities” along for the ride.
I’m realizing that I have to let go. I have to be able to receive the gifts of God rather than trying to earn them. For a few weeks, I felt nauseous even talking about my faith, which was terrifying. But that feeling is finally starting to lift. To help this process, I know I need a “dopamine detox”—I need to get off social media and make real time for Bible study, my friends, and my community. I’ve been leaving too much time on the table, which only gives me more room to mess up.
Finding the Spark Again
Compared to where I was a few weeks ago, I can tell I’m doing better. The spiritual burnout is starting to fade, and I can feel a tiny sense of light again. It feels like a spark that’s ready to become a flame. I realize now that what I thought was life hitting me in the chest was actually God saving the day. He had to break my heart and crush my dreams to get me to this point of honesty.
I’m done trying to be a performative Christian. I’m trying to understand what a real relationship with God actually looks like. I’m thinking a lot about the steps I need to take to achieve the closeness with Him that I desire. These videos are uncomfortable to make, but they are essential. There’s an “echo” in the morning that tells me to dump my thoughts here so I can start my day with a clear head. On the days I don’t do this, I find myself feeling more depressed.
Moving Forward with Honesty
I know I’m repetitive, and I know these logs are essentially one long “brain dump,” but this “trauma bonding” session with the camera is what’s keeping me going. I’m choosing to be honest about my exhaustion because that’s the only way to move past it. As it says in Galatians 6:9, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”
The harvest is coming; I just have to stay in the field.
Read Log #11: Slow Roasting in the Fire – Lessons from Malachi 3